For the past two weeks, I have been taking care of business for a friend who is out of town. She has an ecommerce store, and ships multiple orders, all over the world, every day, as well as local deliveries. This, in addition to my impromptu parenthood, was a bit overwhelming. In the final days before spring break, I thought for sure something was going to hit the fan very soon. The To-do list got longer every day, and every day there was still things to be done from the previous day. As we were trying to get ready to leave, I had to seriously prioritize, and cut out what wasn't urgent. Even after cutting the unnecessary, I still didn't have enough time for everything. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. It was one of those days. And the worst part was, Anakin had a counselling appointment, half an hour away, for an hour. I didn't have two hours. I didn't have two minutes.
This is the isolation I will talk about later. I was feeling the weight of wearing too many hats. I realized that I was trying to do everything, and I needed help. I arranged for Anakin's over-qualified respite worker to come and take him to the appointment. When he arrived, it was like a weight had been lifted. It was like there was a second set of hands carrying the load. It gave me the relief to get through the rest of the day. It was a clear example for myself of how important it is to ask for help, and how lucky I am to have amazing people around.
Spring Break started, and our daily routine went out the window. Anakin was seriously over-stimulated and it manifested in every way imaginable. And I was not much better. It was a rough few days for both of us.
We took the last day of school off, and escaped to my parents 'other' house, an escape on the coast. My parents were already up there with their brood, and it was cramped quarters. Factor in, that five of the kids have mental health diagnoses, and three have developmental disabilities. Eight unique routines jammed into 2000sqft. Two dogs. Three Bedrooms. Nine people.
Anakin was like I have never seen him before. When I spoke to him, clearly, directly- it was like he didn't hear me. His ability to process incoming information was crippled. It took everything I had not to get frustrated with being totally ignored. He would ask a question, I would answer, and I could see on his face that he hadn't heard any of it. I would slowly repeat myself, and he he says "thank you" under his breath as he walked away. He was constantly fidgeting with anything he could get his hands on. When we packed up to leave, I found a hidden stim-stash of the 4-year-old's toys and small plastic things. I can only imagine what he put in his mouth. He has a habit of orally soothing himself by putting bits of plastic, paper, erasers, or anything he can find, into his mouth, chewing and swallowing them. That's a whole other story.
One thing I never anticipated [in the two weeks] that I 'prepared' for parenting, was how isolating it would be. I'd heard of it from other foster parents in all the trainings and interactions I'd had with them, but I never realized the extent of it. It might not be so bad if I wasn't a single parent, or even if I had other kids, but with just the two of us, I feel alone a lot. Prior to being a foster parent, I loved being alone. The further I could get from people and civilization, the better. But now, it is all a little bit different. It is going to take some getting used to.
I often get caught up in the day-to-day routine. I forget the importance of all of the things I have been taught. In every class, training, conference or workshop I have ever been in, there has been a portion of the curriculum dedicated to self care. I always just brushed it off. In the past, self care was my mission statement. It was all about me. Now though, I am realizing that I probably should have paid better attention. I am feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, in a whole new way.
I understand and accept that I have a challenging kid, and that as long as I provide him a loving, healthy home, I am doing my best. Still, I constantly question myself. I feel like I am not doing well enough, like I am doing more harm than good. I don't have a second opinion, or someone to support me. I don't have someone to tell me when I am screwing up. I'm not crying loneliness, but I suddenly understand why the Creator made it take two people to make a child; it takes two (or more) to raise one.
And it was with this realization that I came out of my anxieties. If there isn't someone here, I need to seek out more mentors and supporters. I know amazing people, many of whom are lifetime parents, who have been through all of this and more. I will not find the answers in my head, but I will find them if I reach out to the people closest to me. I am surrounded by elders and friends who are only a phone call or a door bell away. All I need to do is ask. To speak up and say, "I need guidance." Tomorrow, I will try harder to put myself in the presence of these people, and to incorporate that act into my routine, ongoing. Tomorrow just happens to be a very good day for that, as it is Tuesday. More about Tuesdays tomorrow.
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| palma non sine pulvere |
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